So some of the first questions im doing in my MBSR wookbook ask to think about whats been going on my life that lead me to buy the book, what am I hoping to change and what are some positive things about myself.
Whats been going on my life?
I feel like I have no control of whats happening and that life is literally passing me by in a blur and im scared I will wake up and realise im an old lady and havent lived. I spend my time either working, sleeping, or wasting time until either of those options is available again. I never leave the house or do anything spontaneous. I use finances as an excuse yet there are so many wonderful free things to experience in life. I dont have any close friends. I shy away from social activities, mainly in fear of how ashamed I am of my body and yes, im fatter then the last time everytime else saw me and of my terrible shyness which people think is either me being a snob or im just dull. Im not where I am in life where I pictured I would be 10 yrs ago. I take responsibility for my own life and I know life is what you make it yet I still hold myself back from living. I thought I was depressed again, I went & saw my doctor about it and she doesnt think im clinically depressed but recommended I speak to someone anyway. I dont feel thats the case with me. I feel its more of a frustration with myself but not a depression. Sometimes I wonder if I have burnt myself out as a teenager? Surely the soul gets damaged by that kind of emotional & physical abuse for all those years. Ive been lost for 12 years....im 24 now so thats half of my life. Its hard to overcome something you spend half your life living. I think im drawn to stress as a way of acknowledging my pain and not looking at the real culprit. What exactly is this pain and where does it come from? How can I overcome it? I think thats what has drawn me to this point in time when I realise I need to step back and take a good look at myself.
What am I hoping to change?
Im hoping to change my entire way of thinking and living. I am slowly poisoning myself with my own mind and I am physically destroying myself with bad diet & no exercise. I truly think I keep myself fat as a way to hide myself from the world. This needs to change. I still have a very strong desire to live and experience things. I want to be happy. And I know the only way to get there is to change these bad habits both internally & externally.
What are some positive things about myself?
This a very hard question to answer. I hear good things about myself all the time from other people but do I actually believe them? I often get told im very smart. I have a university degree and am going back to uni next year to do my masters degree. I know alot of people arent capable of that but to me that doesnt make me smart. I dont see myself as smart at all. I dont feel proud of my academic achievements despite how hard I have worked for them. Maybe thats why I push myself so much with study...until one day I do feel proud. I dont think im attractive at all. I think im quite ugly actually. I look like my father too much. Im not saying he is an ugly person but I dont feel...feminine I guess. I have good skin and my eyes are a pretty blue but as a whole I think my face is pretty ugly. I change my hairstyles constantly but am never happy with my appearance. My husband always says im beautiful and loves my figure & appearance but I just think he has been tricked into thinking that because he loves me. Im getting pretty emotional writing this. Hmm, so whats a positive? I think im very good to animals. I love my pets. I prefer the company of my cats & dog over people. Animals always love you no matter what. They love to be near you and they love getting your attention. Thats pretty much all I can think of at the moment. Hopefully I can come back to this question and add alot more positive things about myself.