Yo

Welcome to my blog! Pretty much sums it up on the side there but again, this is my blog about becoming a vegan butterfly instead of being the sludgy slug I am now. So here's the life story.

All my life I have had issues. Eating disorders. Depression. Low self-esteem. You name it, ive been through it. I cant think of exactly what it was that started it all. I had a great childhood. My parents are amazing and provided every oppurtunity for me in a loving home. I was an only child but was never lonely. I had great friends as a kid & was very close to my numerous cousins. I was a very active child, my parents always let me do whatever I wanted and were very supportive of after-school activities despite being poor. I did so much- ballet, dance, tennis, hockey, art classes, and I spent 5 years doing martial arts. My parents always made sure I had something to do and when I got sick of one activity they were supportive in me changing my mind and trying out new things. They spent alot of time with me as a child, always taking me to the park and playing basketball or riding our bikes around. Always played games with me. The TV was not my babysitter like it is for so many kids today. I lived my childhood outside in a healthy active environment. I was always provided with fresh healthy foods and had no idea what a 'diet' was or that certain bads were 'good' or 'bad'. To me as a kid fresh fruit & vegies were the normal thing to eat but junk food was allowed in moderation but it was never seen as junk, just sometimes food.

My body issues started when I was 12 years old & in grade 7. I was a skinny teenager but all my friends were naturally skinnier then me. I started to feel they thought differently of me because I was slightly bigger then them. I started to get left out of parties and became the outsider in my group of friends. Im sure they werent aware of what they were doing at the time & I dont blame them but I do feel thats how my body issues started. I started to think I was fat and became very self-conscious of my body.

The next year I started grade 8, which was the beginning of high school. Throughout my highschool years I switched between groups of friends but never truly found any real friends or felt like I belonged anywhere. This only made my body issues worse and I was convinced my lack of strong friendships was because I was fat (when I was actually one of the skinniest girls in highschool!) I started to skip lunch each day at school. I would throw my lunch in the bin every morning on the way to the bus stop & just drink water at school. My 'friends' knew but never really cared. Everytime I looked in the mirror I saw myself getting fatter & fatter. I started skipping breakfast aswell. Then I would skip dinner as much as possible. I became the master at coming up with excuses....ive got too much homework, or I would take my dinner in my room & pretend to eat it but would throw it away. If I had to eat with the family I would keep little plastic bags in my pockets and stash the food in there to throw away later. I was incredibly sneaky & very good at hiding these habits. If I had no way of avoiding the meal I would make up for it by exercising for hours in my bedroom. I would stay up all night in the dark pretending I was asleep but was doing push-ups & sit-ups to work off the food. Soon I discovered purging. I became able to purge any food I was forced to eat very silently. I would have a shower after dinner & purge it all there. If I couldnt get to the shower I would do it in the toilet. If I was at someone's house I would go to the bathroom & quickly & silently purge it all. I started doing martial arts at the beginning of highschool and at the peak of my anorexia I was an exercise machine. I spent hours training. I had to be the skinniest but also the toughest & strongest in my sport. Martial arts was the perfect exercise to burn calories and I would collapse when I finished training on a tiny amount of calories. I was striving for perfection in my sport. I fainted many times, at training and at school. Everybody just thought I was prone to fainting. There was one boy I went to school with, I had been in the same classes as him since primary school. One day at school I fainted and he was there when I woke up. He knew exactly was happening to me. He had liked me since primary school but we always had different friends & it wouldnt have been acceptable for us to date. On this day I fainted he told me I was beautiful and to stop what I was doing to myself. He had been watching me since primary school and had been concerned about me for so long. We never dated. We always looked out for each other and caught sneaky glimpses of smiles across the room but nothing ever happened. We have each gone our seperate ways since highschool. Ive seen him once since then and there was the same chemistry but again it would never happen. He will always be the one that got away. Im married now & I love my husband so much it hurts but I do think about him every now & then, I just hope he is happy. Looking back I wished id taken his advice that day. I wish I had looked at myself and realized the damage I was doing. But all I could see was fat.

I was incredibly depressed through highschool. I was outgoing & bubbly but noone knew I cried myself to sleep every night. I began cutting myself. I only cut for a few months, never anything really deep but it was still pretty bad. I managed to stop on my own and im so glad I did before i did any real damage. I have a few scars but only superficial stuff. When I was 16 I got a job at a local bakery. At the end of the day anything not sold would be given to staff or thrown out. I started eating alot of sausage rolls & sticky buns & purged it all. Soon I stopped purging but kept eating. I had also stopped doing martial arts training to concentrate on my senior exams. I gained alot of weight to the point I was now considered 'slim' or a healthy weight.

I started university the following year and continued a life of junk food & no exercise mixed with exam stress. In my final year of university I lose about 20kg doing weight watchers but only managed to maintain it for a few months before finishing university and starting a full time job. I thought it was just an adjustment period of being a full-time shift worker mixed with moving out of home & in with my fiance. That was 4 years ago. I have continued to lead a very unhealthy lifestyle of bad diet & no real exercise plan. I am constantly stressed & sleep-deprived and I feel like im 30 years old already when im just 24yrs old.

I have a very stressful career. I am a registered nurse and for the last 18 months I have specialised in intensive care nursing. I have started studying again and as of November I will be moving to a bigger more stressful intensive care hospital and doing my masters degree next year. Yes, I know its adding even more stress to my life but I love my job so much. To me, id rather find ways to counteract the stress instead of give-up on my dream career altogether even though its not helping me stress-wise. My career is very important to me and I plan to continue to make it grow. I love the challenge. I crave the challenge. I enjoy challenging myself everyday to the point of being stressed out. My problem is I never release that stress. And its this built up stress which is killing me. My diet (or lack of) and exercise patterns are also a mess.

Ive been vegetarian for 4 years now but its very easy to be an unhealthy vego and im proof of that! Ive played with the idea of being a vegan and id like to try be vegan again. But a healthy vegan! There is plenty of unhealthy vegan foods out there which is ok every now & then but I am striving to be a healthy vegan and even someday maybe low fat raw vegan. Exercise is another issue. I walk the dog most days but thats about it. Im very interested in yoga & pilates & would like to explore those activities further.

I used to meditate alot when I was younger, my mother introduced me to it and she still does it but I havent in years. I need to learn how to quiet my mind and delete all the crap it accumulates throughout the day and learn to rest & breath properly! I found a review on a book in a yoga magazine titled 'A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook' which also includes meditation exercises & a CD. Ive just had my copy delivered in the mail today and look forward to working through the exercises. I will try keep this blog updated with my progress!

So essentially the whole idea of this blog is a place for me to have a rant about the positive changes I plan to make to my life and to share my hopefully inspiring journey to influence others to take a step back and say 'this is my life and i am in control'. Happy reading!